Modern Life Is Rubbish

"It's nine o'clock on a Saturday..." sings Billy Joel on his first major hit, 'Piano Man' in 1973.  Like Billy, I can sing the same thing; except in my case, it's 9 o'clock am on a Saturday, sitting around doing nothing. At a glance, this doesn't sound too much like a supposed juxtaposition, AM and PM are after all simply opposites, but when you learn that usually I work on a Saturday morning you realises the plot thickens.

            In Januray 2009, I arrived in Townsville. This was the same place I'd visited just 5 months earlier on a Holiday, the same place which had been hailed as 'The Final Frontier'.  If you watch the movie 'The Life Of David Gale' you'll note one scene saying there is no such thing as the final frontier.  We humans always find something new to go on with.  Irrispective of anything, we always move on. After I arrived in Townsville I had more goals to achieve, hence, more frontiers to conquar.  I figured I'd be an 'adult' after High School ended. The reality much more brutal. Truth is you're still the same person you've always been.  There's no magical change over; things carry on the same like they always have.  In the song 'Once In A Lifetime', David Byrne sung  'Same As It Ever Was.' He was dead right.

            So why did I expect any major changes to occur in Townsville?  For one, I was living with my best friends again, Brodie Milne and Matt Paul - two guys who I loved dearly - and the fact that I had been to Townsville before and had fallen in love with the city. There was some sort of mystique about the place - but this mystique quickly dissapeared.  Within a month of living in the outer suberb of Condon I'd lost hope.  I remember distinctly going with Matt to the Townsville Dam and stopping at a field on the way home. As I smoked my cigarette, I recall trying to convince myself that I was looking forward to drinking that night and that it was a joy to be in this beautiful city. I was only fooling myself.  A sense of dread was creeping over me. Just a month in this city and already strains of panic gripping me. I wasn't enjoying myself. I wasn't loving it for reasons I cannot explain why.  Maybe because of lack of money at home there was jack shit to do, or, maybe it was because my idea of a good time entailed something more than sitting around just drinking 'n' chattin about particular subjects.  Either way, Townsville continued to suffer throughout the rest of the year without respite. There seemed no let up.  One average day after another.  Nothing I've done in the last year has been memorable. With no fulltime job, boredom took over completley. It ruled the roost. This dictated my new impression of Townsville. Gone were the happy images of Townsville, replaced with this new modern day monster. The name of Blur's 2nd album 'Modern Life Is Rubbish' rung very true in this time.  After a while I realised the people living here were complaining how small this city was. Yeah right. Yes compared to Sydney it is, but it's got more than enough interesting spots to accomadate me.  Townsville is Australia's 13th biggest city, it had a concert for Elton John, it held the V8 supercars in July 2009, it has a beautiful stretch of beach called 'The Strand'.  It doesn't lack anything except maybe for a Myers... and maybe a cool pool.  It's main disadvantage (as far as I can see for myself) is it's lack of numbers.  People frequently complain about certain nights being dead here when it would be alive and kicking in the 'Big City'.  Fuck off and live there if it depresses you so much.  In Broken Hill every night was dead save for Friday and Saturday night.  Sunday night is a hive of activity up here - Sunday in Broken Hill is the deadest night of the week. Townsville even has a cheap Tuesday night!!!  Admitedly I am from a much smaller town and I do recognise that Townsville isn't this holy grail, I no doubt would be in awe at some of the places throughout the world - but Townsville is pretty good, I just wish people could see it.  The grass truley is greener on the other side of the fence. 

All this negativity didn't help me out too much. Whereas originally Townsville couldn't put a foot wrong on my 2 holidays up here, now it couldn't seem to even stand up; In fact it fell down spectaculary. The 2 main friends I made in 2009 barely see me anymore, this is in part to my obscure personality, but either way it's not good news. At this point in writing I owe $1100, work just 5 hours a week and can barely support myself. UNdoubtedly there will always be someone who points out that they are in a worse position. I won't bullshit you, there definatley are people much worse off than me. But after a year of living in a room which i refer to as my prison cell, I've had enough. After a year on a poor diet with no work or friends and with a promising future in journalism always just beyond my grasp taunting me, I've had enough. However, saying 'I've had enough' means jack shit. This will continue on for some time. It cannot keep going on forever though, not because I have the ability to make it stop but because I cannot afford to continue living like this. It'll either kill me literally or force me to return to Broken Hill.  If I do return to Broken Hill, based on my experience from Townsville, I would not return. Townsville is a beautiful place, but it's not my home and has no special feeling with me anymore. I\ve realised for a place to be called home you have to have the right people there. This place has a few; nowhere near enough. It's not all Townsville's fault, some of it is mine because I have not been activley pursing sports etc, but I doubt I'd make friends this way.  This would mainly help to built a better physique and improve my confidence. It would help a lot however.

But something needs to change. Mentally I've never been in a worse state. 2007 I decreed as my worst ever year. Technically, my feelings are even worse this year. I've realised that since the break up of my last major girlfriend Tanya Balman occured in October 2006, my happiness has been absent. I'm beginning to think I am showing signs of depression. 2010 seems it will follow suit like every year since 2006 ended. Brodie Milne, (my great friend who is reviewed on this site) is a major help, as is Matt Paul, but I'm the only one who can dig myself out of this hole. Salvation lies within.

So I stand here alone at the crossroads. If nothing changes by May 2010, I have a big decision to make. Either way I'm going to go out with a bang or with a long drawn out whimper. Read into that what you will.

            So onwards and upwards! Lets get into the job hunting again right now.