Cunning Linguistics

Jump starting the river. Jillin' off. Dialling 'O' on the pink telephone. Enjoying a little southern comfort. The 5 digit disco. What's the common link between these 5 slang terms? I think you can probably guess.

Human beings are among the most hedonistic creatures on the planet; we consider ourselves somewhat intellectual beings capable of creating a broad spectrum of ideas: manufactured flight, virtual reality, cinema, sport, music and humour are just a small list of the wonders that human beings have created.

But when push comes to shove, humans are really just creatures of basic instinct that can get down to their primal urges quick smart. Nothing brings us down to our animal instincts quite like sex can. One superb substitute for sex when you're unable to 'get any' is masturbation.

Certainly masturbation has been considered taboo since almost the dawn of time. In the early 1900's scientists and professors regarded masturbation as a violation of the moral law and of oneself's body and mind. Stories of going blind or growing hair on their hands were used to repulse young boys from doing 'the act'. Indeed this author used to check the palm of his hands everyday from age 13 from hearing passed-down variations of stories like these. These anecdotes have in more enlightened times been proven to be untrue.

It hasn't always been scorned against. In ancient Eygpt it was believed that the god Atum created the universe through masturbation. Some Eygptian Pharaohs would even be required to ceremonially re-enact this scene into the Nile River!

But what about female masturbation? One rarely talks about a woman pleasuring herself in general conversation, but why is it ok to talk about men when they are, shall we say; beating off, jacking off, flogging the the log or chocking the chicken? Well I would suppose it has become more socially acceptable as men are proud beasts who would not be embarrassed caught talking about such things with his mates.

Most (let's just say all) men have masturbated at least once in their life (yes, that dude in the same room as you right now probably even did it today - just don't ask him). True, a majority of woman have too, but it's far less frequent than when a man would do it. This can also extend to sex in general: My best friend could go for it every night of the week - probably even twice (or more)! But he has to settle for the conventional 2 or 3 times a week (if he's lucky).

Various people have speculated on why females masturbate less - most people agree it's sex drive. At least part of the answer is put down to fluctuating hormones, which means the female's drive is not as consistent as the males.

Society seems to depict men as wanting sex all the time and females as being restrained. In the film Horrible Bosses, Jennifer Aniston's character is consistently trying to force herself onto Charlie Day's character and his two friends cannot understand why this is a bad thing. If the roles were reversed it wouldn't be funny, it would probably be considered sleazy. Why? A majority of guys would love a sexy woman to seduce them, while for the girls, they have enough males hitting on them to be selective and hence they can be just as dismissive. This is a very broad way thinking I realise, but it has a germ of truth to it.

So why don't girls flick the hood as much as guys jerk the gherkin? One way to address this question might be to say that a woman may be wired differently when it comes to sexual arousal. They seem more advanced then the primitive males, requiring more input than just sensory sensations. Males usually require just one aphrodisiac to get them in the mood, ergo, they can masturbate at any given time with relative ease.

However a multitude of aphrodisiacs or 'turn ons' is required for the female and therefore it is more difficult for her to become aroused, generally speaking. At the very least, they require a type of input that differs from the male. This may give us insight as to why the female orgasm is supposed to be akin to a nuclear explosion going off.

Certainally when called upon a woman can be just as sexually savage as a man. Writer Isabel Allendue once famously said, 'For woman the best aphrodisiac is words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below is wasting his time.'

Maybe that puts female masturbation into prospective; it simply doesn't qualify as a substitute for the real thing.

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