Mending The Fourth Wall

By Sean Keenan

Sean Keenan was depressed after his relationship of 2 and a half years ended and decided to go AWOL into a drunken stupor, spewing out philosophical quotes from his self-righteous arse about the differences between right and wrong, trying to figure out what 'it' is all about - and then, for some reason, he starts to refer to himself in the third person. Typical pretentious writer.

I met Sean Keenan on a cold morning in mid June, he was dressed in nothing but a bowlers hat and had a digital blur covering his gonads. I ask if he thinks this is inappropriate, but he just goes on a rant about how it brings him "closer to the god", whatever that means. He had been drinking heavily that day, his words were slow and slurred but I could see he was onto something. You could see it all was starting to make sense in his eyes. After months of insanity, he felt as though he'd stumbled upon the secret of life itself. Like all good wannabe philosophers, he had a few theories.

For example, sending a dirty pic to your crush is a no go. Why? Keenan used a virtually non-existent metaphor. "You'd think perhaps they'd enjoy looking at your genitalia (he gestures masturbation), It's a pretty kinky thing to receive I'll admit, but afterwards, not unlike a one night stand, respect is lost because you were easy to 'conquer'."

After a few glasses of goon wine and a few more theories I saw the point he was trying to get across. Love does not conquer all. Life is not a fairy tale. There's Mr Right and Mr Right Now. You can only do the best you can with what is presented in front of you. Sean once asked his best friend "Am I an adult yet?" His friend wryly replied "Physically yes." With that not so flippant comment he had realised that's why his last relationship ended. It's no good being this astonishing guy who stimulates your mind if he cannot get his life in order enough to pick up the 25 McDonald's bags left in his car.

"Watch the movie Notting Hill again. It's 2 and a half hours of dynamite", Keenan exclaimed. We did. Holding hands for some reason. Afterwards - he was passing in and out of consciousness - he managed to say "What's the time span that Hugh Grant spent from the time he met Julia Roberts to the time he started dating her? A matter of months?." I helped myself to another wine and asked him what his point was. He gave me his fathers number and told me to ask him because he was about to pass out. His father said his son was a raving lunatic before saying that Julia liked Hugh because while all of the other characters were obsessing over her, he played it cool. It's better to play it cool. Have some self-respect. Above all, enjoy the journey.

Recently Keenan decided to go all out on a new car. His plan was to buy a Toyota Supra. His parents had suggested earlier to get an economic small car. What would he go with? Keenan, still feeling like a kid inside an adults body wanted to get the car he wanted and in a sense defy his parents, but this little annoying voice inside kept whispering about a boner-killer smaller car. A single man, on a lower wage job, wanting a 20 year old super beautiful car and seeking to change his life. After much thought, the right decision came to him like an epiphany. What do you the reader think he went with?