Everything In It's Right Place

By Sean Keenan

But I'm not, not sure,

Not too sure how it feels

To handle every day

And I miss you love

The threatening weather stirring about outside brings an unexpectedly haunting atmosphere to the music I'm listening to. It's an overcast, murky winters day in early June 2001 and I'm sitting at the computer listening to Ms Jackson by Outkast, talking to someone in England on a pre-myspace era app called ICQ.  All the cool people are here, including that one particular girl. The one who makes you understand why mournful lovesongs are written, who takes your hand and shows you whats behind the curtin. The one who changed the cerebral landscape forever. Im too wrapped up in the now to notice let alone comprehend the significance of the coming months. In the recesses of my mind this memory lingers - unknowingly dancing precariously around a black hole. There would perminatley be a before and after from now on. That mournful decending synth line of Ms Jackson is the ticket for a train ride directly into the heartland of the hallucinagetic, impossibly beautiful madness of mid 2001.

It was February.
Luke Hojeij and I were joking around during one of the less interesting martial art activities of the evening. Lee Hermanson, our Tae Kwon Do instructor was just going through the motions by this point. Another day another dollar. Tae Kwon Do had become more a social gathering than a training ritual. The class was the epitome of mediocre and were still passing the gradings because passing meant more money in the bank for Lee. Even I slackened off. Luke was great. He made me crack up. This one particular evening the class were in two rows on the ground going through stretches and our warm ups. Luke quietly made a sexual groaning gesture as he looked up at the girl in the row behind us, she was laying down on the ground with her legs wide open in a type of stretch position. I had a laugh.This girl was another generation of newbies. These newbies usually got to green or blue belt then quit because of the appalling quality of the teaching, and probably because they were no better at fighting than when they had started. 

I knew this girl from from my Year 8 dance class. I referred to her as Nala because for some reason she reminded me a little of a Lion, in particular, Simba's girlfriend from 'The Lion King'. Nala and I had had almost nothing to do with each other. We were from separate sides of the fence and aside from that awkward dance class, I knew nothing more of her.

There was some acknowledgement that we went to the same school in the coming months. She became part of a new network of friends that was unfolding in the wake of ICQ and my first job at the local supermarket. Megan McCarthy, Samantha Richards and Claire Hogan are just some of the hotties I was beginning to talk to more. My best friend Brodie Milne had just come through a coming-of-age period and was enjoying his first great era. This was turning out to be quite a different year to the previous few; new people, new ideas, new outlook.

-there are 2 colours in my head-

The pin number I chose for my brand new bank account has its ties with the following events - a pin number that I keep to this day. It was the legendary May 19 sleepover and my lord, what fun. Brodie Milne at the peak of his powers. Funny as fuck. Its the type of fun you can't appreciate when you're older. That night we watched the movie Shaft, played AFL 99 with Essendon beating Fremantle 1149 to 0, watched some pornography and played night cricket. As if that wasnt enough, that was the night Nala added me on ICQ and spoke to me for the first time.

I opened up a little to Nala that night. I wasnt intimidated and was brimming with confidence. The message history of that conversation is well lost the the eons of time but I still remember bits and pieces. I remember saying that my jokes were so bad that they should be in jail, (egh) and explained to her my insecurities on my social status at Willyama High School. I told her that she was part of the 'cool' group and she adamantly denied that. The movie we were watching, Shaft, was almost over. We'd spoken for over an hour. I told Nala I was headed off. She simply stated 'is that it?'

What amazes me in those days was that time seemed to creep by so so slowly. The time frame from that ICQ conversation to our first 'date' was only 16 days. She went from nothing, then to acquaintance and then to close friend in that time frame. An eternity in my life at the time.

The annual high school disco was held on Tuesday June 5 and I met up with Nala at the shindig in the early evening. Shortly before heading out The Whitlams' 'No Aphrodisiac' came on Music Max and that song was the setting to our soon to be romance. She took a while to get there I remember. I remember wandering around the courtyard feeling like a loser as the music echoed out through the hall. It was cold.
Later, well after she'd arrived and the night was well underway, we sat down by the side and talked. Brodie and I had this mock-posh joke way of talking occasionally which was used to great comedic effect in my conversations with Nala. She'd crack up at me.

"Daniel Marcon asked if he could get on with me." she said. That's slang for make out.

"I know why you didn't." I replied with sureness. "This is what you've got to say to him if he ever asks you again: ah gooday Daniel Marcon, ah how you going? Ah, I don't want to get on with you, because you're bloody ugly."

"Now do you know what this basketball hall where our disco is, is mainly used for?" I asked. We use it for many purposes, p.e classes, assembles, sports, awards... but do you know what this basketball court is mostly used for?"

"What?" she replied

With a Dr. Evil happy look on my face when he says 'One Million Dollars' I leaned forward and said: "Basket - ball!".

Then the first bounces of Robbie Williams' Rock DJ came on. I imagine us slow motion rocking out in the middle of the mosh, arms flailing without a care in the world, two odd juxtapositions capturing eye contact and for a fleeting moment were in perfect harmony. The fade out goes on and on. The feeling indescribable to anyone who wasnt there; It was my Woodstock.

I remember that walk home. Years later I found out the melancholy Pyramid Song by Radiohead was released in that very week in Australia. That starry night with the bright lights of Willyama fading behind me - now encoded into that song. That night I saw a quote in Megan McCarthy's ICQ info that ive always liked:

Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

The mobile phone technology was, in retrospect, pretty primitive. I had a brick phone with Nalas number in it and was still during an era when I couldn't figure out how to message her back. I was in the cinema with a bunch of friends watching 'The Gift' at the time we first messged one another. I remember trying to message her back later at my cousins 18th. The party was out the back - I ventured out the quiet and lonely front trying to figure out how to text her. I yearn for that night again.

All this time we continued to speak on ICQ learning more about one another. I learned about her insecurities, how she cried herself to sleep some nights. I learned about her life, the way she treated friends, her openness to try new things and experiment. This was such a far cry from my way of life at the time. In my adult years I would be inspired by her method.

Then there were the antics in Ms Hunt's English class. Having begun the year as an outsider, I went mainstream because of my friendship with Nala. Suddenly I was the buzzword. I was finally having my moment in the sun after being a forgettable student just making up the numbers for years. Even my sense of humour seemed to be entering the zeitgiest: my idol Shaun Micallef brilliantly and hilariously hosted the logies that year. I finally felt understood and valued.

I recall Heath Williams was reading out aloud this shitty book we were reading in English. I forget the name now. Everyone took turns. I looked ahead to the other page and saw a rather amusing quote. It was an innocent enough, but I thought to myself, if I let a little snigger when Heath reads that, I should be able to get a bit of a laugh because of the double meaning. So I waited. Heath approached the part and I sniggered. The class found themselves in hysterics and I got sent out of class. 

Legend. The quote was: 'Is Sean coming?"

Mid 2001 was filled with these beautiful little moments. I began to enjoy the little aspects of my new friend like her odd quotes in her ICQ info. 'Bend, bend, bend, SNAP! Fuck I hope no one saw that. Brock did.' went one. Then there were surreal quotes from Radiohead songs. I enquired about this one and many others, most Ive unfortunately forgotten now.

We had a date to go to the movies one Saturday night, I remember my sister was playing 'The Sims' earlier that evening and now the game forever reminds me of this night. We went and saw 'The Mexican' and it was mediocre - though its stature has since skyrocketed for obvious reasons. I remember Nala mocking some old duck in the cinema who was laughing at everything that Brad Pitt was saying. Nala's parody laugh was a classic.

At this point there was no denying our chemistry. I decided to take the plunge. On Friday night, on June 22, I told Nala to look at my ICQ info. My info read 'Will you go out with me?'. She quickly messaged me with a 'yes'.

This was a defining moment I thought as I drifted off to sleep that night. However, this was merely Hors d'oeuvre, for the main course came the following weekend.

I was watching Burnside with my mum waiting for her to drop me off at Nala's house. The wait was a long one. The little details I remember still take my breath away. This was to be the one and only time I was to enter that house in Iodide Street. All I remember now of that house was there was a lot of laundry around the place and meeting her little dog Max. Searching the internet for the scene in the movie that was on Pay TV that night at her house I finally found we were watching Jawbreaker. I have a faint memory of her showing me a desktop wallpaper of tractors and saying that this image scared her.
Later we would go into her room and share our first kiss.

"Oi, are you and picko goin out?" asked Heath Williams in English class. I proudly pledged in the affirmative. It was a trending topic.

The only known picture of us. I'm middle back, face obscured, Moses parted hair. She's on my right.

In the photo above which I've forgotten the date I distinctly remember Lee (back far right), had just had an unsually short haircut and in preparation for the photo, Lee was walking around directing people where to stand. I had said out loud 'Nice haircut Lee' in the trademarked Keenan/Milne accent. Nala laughed. She recalled the moment as 'the whole room just went silent as you said it. 

Magical. I'm very appreciative that this one photo exists.

Nala's last great moment came at my new friend Matt Paul's house on Friday, August 3. I had work early the next day and had one of my parents picking me up at 12. We were sitting around the campfire sipping vodka telling anecdotes and ghost stories. This is the night I had my first true sexual encounter. My feelings capsized. I had fallen in love. 

Little did I comprehend how vulnerable I was now.

Two and a half months had built to this crescendo. As she left around 10:30 to go to another party, she invited me to go with her and her best friend to get her ear pierced the following day. I met her best friend Abby properly for the first time that day. I remember looking at her as she sat down on the table with love in my eyes for the first time. 

I experienced my moment in the sun in that one look. For the breifest moment I was experiencing pure love and happiness. Then it was over.

The site of Brodie Milne's old house at 626 Lane Lane. I spoke to Nala for the first time on ICQ here. The house was destroyed in a fire in 2008. The trees in the background was part of the landscape where we played cricket regularly.

Monday came and Monday went. I threw a message written on paper over to her in English class on Tuesday enquiring about her trepidation since Monday, I didn't get a satisfying response. My memory is a bit fuzzy on the day, but I think the next day after Tae Kwon Do, I rung her up. She told me she was going to have a break from me. I hung up and cried and cried and cried. The era was over.

Being all of 16 I didn't handle the love and rejection thing too well. I destroyed any hope of friendship with my relentless clingyness. I have only myself to blame for that but also I forgive myself a little, I'd never experienced this before and had no idea how to react. The following month the September 11 attacks happened and that cemented mid 2001 as history. My childhood was over. The age of innocence was over. We now lived in a new world.

I went into what I call 'The Great Depression Period" and the new year brought about no respite. I would not really recover until late 2002 and even then, still longed for her well into 2004. Never has one person had such a profound effect - never will someone again. It was lighting in a bottle and destined to have a sad ending. I couldnt understand why she didnt love me.

...but she didn't...

2001 came to a close in a love fuelled angry rage. I was crying literally everyday. Whatever momentum that was building from my job and the new people in my life was immediately ended. The post August period is the blackist of my life. I can still feel the overwhelming sadness. I realise now as I was realising then that the world doesnt bend its rules for you.

I got on ICQ every opportunity I had to talk to her and every single time I pissed her off. The image above was a frequent desktop wallpaper that I had during these talks. It still makes me feel helpless. She was cold to me many, many times after this. I'd prefer to focus on the good times. I do need to establish what happened afterwards however...

Later Developments

By June 2002 I had disappeared somewhat into my own life. I was dating Helen Beggs in June when Nala and I rekindled our friendship. She threw me a message in class stating she might be interested in me again - to say I was at a loss for words is the ultimate understatement. Between periods I went into the toilets and cried tears of pure happiness. I thanked whoever was looking out for me over and over. I couldnt believe it. My faith in life was being restored.This however, was merely an aberration. This was a completley different year to 2001 and my confidence levels were nowhere near the same. The May to August time period I would later come to call the 'Oasis Period' because it was a time of happiness amid a torrid year. It was a reprieve during the great depression. I remember I was performing a dance at the local repertory theatre and talking like we might be working things out. The conversation was choppy and awkward, however.

I invited her over my house the following Friday night and she stood me up. A fight broke out. It was over. I had barely enough time to savour my second chance. The depression hit hard again.

In the early days after the breakup I was able to get some support from a friend of hers online. Luke was his name. We seemed to hit it off just fine, but I was growing increasingly paranoid about the nature of their friendship. Luke McCarron was working as a gym instructor and one night she had  put in her ICQ info 'Luke is a muscleman'. She was moving on.

My heart sank in 2003 when my friend Matt told me she was dating him. By now, I was already very unpopular with her but a sensationally awful event at a friend of hers house in early August 2003 was to severe all ties between us completley. I was to never recover from this. I never spoke to her again.

Having accidently gotten her number in late 2005 and having put memories of her out of my mind for about a year, I couldn’t resist the oppurtunity to reach out to her again. I messaged her asking if she would ever consider me again. I didnt get a reply by text but my friend who worked with her told me she had told him to tell me "maybe in another lifetime"... and also that Luke was very pissed off about my message.

In 2006 I read in the classifieds of her engagement to McCarron - by that time I had moved on but still had feelings for her. I remember feeling happy for her, although the engagement didn't last long. Another three years later in 2009, I added her as a friend on Facebook and was promptly declined. I decided the next time I would contact her would be many years down the track - if ever.

4 years went by and my life had changed so much, I was living in Townsville and living with the legendary Brodie Milne following a two and a half year relationship which had recently ended. I was excited about the future. I had a dream about Nala for the first time in years and in it, we had made peace and were friends. When I woke up it finally became clear to me. I wanted closure. I wanted this chapter to have an ending. It deserved that much. In February 2013 I built up the courage to click the 'Add Friend' button on Facebook again... and nothing happened. She didn't accept it nor did she decline. It was limbo. I decided in that time that if this request was declined, I would never contact her again. If she accepted, I forsaw a mementous healing moment; a time for burying the hatchet and being grateful such a beautiful, significant person from my past could be a small part of my life again.

My life went through a very surreal few months before I decided on what was to be my final chess move in this whole saga. Not being able to message her because of privacy settings I got an old friend of hers, Emily James, to send her a music clip and the phrase 'there are 2 colours in my head', a reference to her old ICQ info and something of which she would remember of me. I thanked Emily for her effort and went to sleep and few days later I went online to check up on Nala's Facebook page. Where the 'waiting responce' had been, now showed instead a button which read simply 'Add Friend'.

***************

Epilogue

While we watched 'The Mexican' back in June 2001, I was spitting into my hankie as I hated the build up of excess spit which always seemed to accumulate when I’m sitting down for extended periods. Midway through I turned to Miss Picken and jokingly said 'Wanna hold my hankie??' which was pretty well soaked. Having immediately felt awkward at such a gross joke, I felt immediately awkward... but Jess, almost sencing my uneasiness, first looked at me, then with a smile just reached out her hand and said 'Sure' then watched on as my face lit up and turned into laughter.

'You met me at a very strange time in my life' - The Narrator










The JP Double CD

Everything In Its Right Place - Radiohead
Sing - Travis
Drops Of Jupiter - Train
Drive - Incubus
Ms Jackson - Outkast
Right Here, Right Now - Fatboy Slim
No Aphrodisiac - The Whitlams
Pyramid Song - Radiohead
Criminal - Fiona Apple
With Arms Wide Open - Creed
Miss You Love - Silverchair
Where Is My Mind? - The Pixies


Slice Of Heaven - Dave Dobbyn
Love Is Alive -Kate Ceberano
Jump On Board - Robbie Williams and Kylie Minogue
Starlight - The Supermen Lovers
Murder On The Dance Floor - Sophie Ellis Bextor
It Just Won't Do - Tim Deluxe
Millenium - Robbie Williams
Thank You - Dido
Just The Thing - Paul Mac
Rock DJ - Robbie Williams
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm - The Crash Test Dummies
Constant Craving - k.d lang