What A Fool Believes

It was Ty Davis and me versus the world in Year 8. The long-term friendship of Jarvis Semmens had broken down after many years and there was revolution in the air. The beautiful sensation of masturbation had just been discovered and the real Sean Keenan was burgeoning from the ashes of early puberty. It didn't matter one iota that Davis was as intellectual as an episode of Mrs Browns Boys. He was in the right place at the right time and he embodied the summer of 98, which lead to the greatest year of all, 1999.

Come 2001 and it was the old Milne-meister who replaced a slew of generally mediocre friends. Davis was on the wane and I was entering into adulthood. From Davis to Milne, it was now us two against the world. As long as I had that someone, I was fine.
Fast forward 14 years and the rut I found myself in 2009 has elongated itself, through different versions of itself into todays uncertain climate. The shit that was heaped on me then never really dissipated despite several breakthrough moments. In 2011 I settled into middle age seemingly and this grew into nightmare proportions that bit me on the arse several distinct times since then.

Every now and again theres a snap that harkens back to 2008 or even 2005 and I remember the confident eccentric individual who was so bright eyed about the future and didn't care for the shit associated with life. I know more now but it hasn't helped my happiness much. I wouldn't turn back the clock however. Its perhaps time to stop overthinking, get back to basics and just be me.
Me. I remember that person. Sometimes I capture a glimpse of him when I look at old pictures or read my old writings. Im used to this bored, on-edge guy who is always lost within the pantheon that is his mind. Its no longer me and someone against the world. Its just me.

For someone who bases his own self in deep thought it might be a bit ironic that my saving grace might be my ability to stop thinking. I once said not giving a shit is the most powerful state in the world because no one can hurt you if you don't care about a situation. Life has, regardless of what I think or do, continued on its merry way. You either accept it or you don't. And if you don't you'll be swimming against the tide - for no reward.

There comes a time when one must truly look in at themselves, accept the problems and deal with them - and always, ALWAYS be conscious that they're there. Loosen up. You're still you Sean. No one can take that away. Few people may care much for my plight, but then, they're not the person living inside my head. I have to deal with this guy 24/7.

There'll probably never be another 2003 again. Nor will there be that awesome excited new feeling at a new era dawning, Im too much of a veteran for that. But I might be surprised at what IS actually out there...if I allow myself to stop fucking caring. To just do. Its time to stop the delusion and accept this shit for what it is. Its not half bad. You wouldn't love life so much if it weren't already pretty good.

You need to stop narrating your life and start living it in the first person again.

Let it go, Sean. Let it go.