There are so many beautiful woman around. Slowly Im becoming numb to it. In late 2004 I went on a bit of a splurge asking some girls if they wanted to hang out with me and was rejected on all counts. Here I sit over a decade later and although there have been many people come and go in that time, I remain as inactive relationship-wise as ever. Is it really that much to ask that I don't want to be single all my life? That I want to settle down and live the dream of love and happiness? To have someone support me and I support them?
The only person Ive loved in that decade lives in Brisbane. I go through bouts of strong optimism and then to realism. This is one of those journeys that has hope but is constantly at the odds. Im doing more now than I have in months, but this feeling of loneliness never ceases. All I yearn for is that company. To be romantic. To be playful. To be crazy. I value myself but no one is watching. No one is there to share it with. Brodie helps, but its not enough. He leaves and Im feeling better but its still the same scenario. Im not like Yoko Ono - I am not the type who can be sexless and just get by with friends. Im only 29 and want to experience love. It has been 2 years since Ive last been intimate with anyone. I understand my frustrations now.
What are my options? Suck it up. No other choice available. I want the next person I have sex with to be her. I will make our time together magical - but Im doubting Ill get the opportunity. I don't feel Im appreciated enough. Ive come to realise Im not that special. This isn't a bad realisation. On the contrary, it keeps me striving to improve and gives me some confidence with a 'stuff it' attitude to be who I want to be and do what I want. But at the end of the day, as I sit here, what does it all mean? I feel I'd almost rather conform and have some friends than face this reality.

Things are going good. Im back into exercising and Tae Kwon Do. Im a better worker at Woolies and I love planning what to write next and choose how to spend my days. The one glaring omission to this is that feeling of love. Unfortunately it rears its ugly head at times when Im too weak to combat it. Like now. So Im writing about it.

I have to accept that if this is it then that is ok. The world is simply stunning. I like to get stoned and lay on my driveway looking up at the stars thinking about what wonders this place we call earth has. Im such a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things that it really doesn't matter one way or the other if my wants don't come to fruition. No, what is important is that I lead the most fulfilling life that I can. To do the best I can while I can. Appreciate the unknown, the mysterious. I love life so much and I'm a hedonist at heart. That is why my heart feels so heavy that I have no one to share it with. That magical feeling you get when you meet just the right person (which happens so incredibly rarely) and the memories it creates.

As I get older Im becoming more realistic about things but also becoming more daring. I just have to hang in there. Do everything to stay sane. Hope. Hope away. Hope that this will take me on a beautiful journey. I can feel Im close. Theres so much doubt though. I have such a sad past. Ignoring it is difficult, especially on nights I feel like this. But tomorrow is a new day. And I will keep persisting until I am dead. Because Im Sean Fucking Keenan.

Trust in life a little bit. Believe in the story.

I love you