Welcome To Wherever You Are

By Sean Keenan

As a child I remember there being buildings under construction next to the Jubilee Oval not far from where I lived. My father explained to me that the occupants who lived there were themselves builders which left me flabbergasted. Logic in my child-mind went a little as follows: Builders can build, they don't have to pay for their work, ergo, they should have the fastest completed homes. (Ok so maybe I didn't think the word ergo back then)

After being pointed out that builders don't want to work 24/7 (plus a slew of other reasons such as enough time in a day, that they don't get paid to build their homes etc), I subconsciously began to seek out the truth throughout the rest of my life with a little help from deep thought and it's partner in crime, logic. But the world is incredibly complex. There are human emotions. Stubbornness, Idiocy. To seek deep rooted truth one is required to leave ones ego firmly at the door and embrace the looming storm. As a kid I realise now how much of a scientist I was. Thought experiments, numbers, the nature of people. I don't think I ever mastered the latter concept, but a lot of  thoughts I had then wound up being deep theological ideas on the internet I would later find out many years later. Thought experiments like when an unstoppable force hits an immovable object or the if-everyone-else-is-doing-it-why-do-I-have-to? (a personal favourite of mine) I realise where I come from now. I have been naive and stubborn for many years, trapped by my own emotions and thought patterns. To quote the X Files, the truth is out there. I feel this building awareness of my own existence that got lost in lifes bullshit and rules.

February 28 marked a turning point. Its almost like the 4th dimensional me reached out from his world and touched me with a form of knowledge awareness. I felt awkward that day. The excitement of the possibilities, the fear of the unknown. I took the leap of faith, landed in mud, slowly trudging my way towards the oasis. Im now better positioned now than I was on that final day of February. I had to go through the experience of it though, there is no other way. The qualia of the highs and melancholic lows. To be honest, this is a premature assessment, this is an ongoing story in it's early chapters - but in these embryonic stages I can see the structure taking form. If the last few months marked the drawing of blueprints, then the current climate is hinting at signs of a fetus.  The Galaxies are settling. Watch this space.

In my dream I'm back at my home in broken hill in the late afternoon waiting to get pissed at a party. I spy a lot of food under a Christmas tree and on the potatoes is pictures of things including my mum. ((The food is from her) on it also is a bit of Zoe's blog that says 'what's with this woman's hair'. I find it odd. I try take a video or a picture to show Zoe she was actually commenting on my mum, but it's starting to get dark. I begin to wake up as I put my cameras flash on.

I feel it's my brain trying to tell me something

Gorillaz: Plastic Beach Album Review. A Poorly written review from 2010

The first time I heard of the band Gorillaz I thought they were a 'new cool trendy' band that released typical modern crap music. This was back in the heady days of 2001 when their debut single 'Clint Eastwood' was rising the Australian charts and the concept of a cartoon band seemed like a gimmick. 4 years on and Gorillaz had redfined what was expected from a op group. Do we really want to see ugly or middle age musicians or do we want to see something visually exciting? Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and whilst many might choose the former option, a few alternative types might like to see the latter option, even if it's just out of curiosity sake.

The architect behind Gorillaz is already rich and famous Damon Albarn of Blur fame. Of course, in America and indeed Australia Blur have made little head way into the respective markets (Song 2 aside) and so it's quite gratifying to see this musical genuis of modern times finally get the recognition he deserves worldwide.

Self titled debut album "Gorillaz" sold more than 7 million copies world wide and "Clint Eastwood" was described as 'unlike anything on the radio nowadays' and the follow up album "Demon Days" spawed huge radio hits 'Feel Good Inc" and 'Dare" as well as being hailed as one of the best albums of Albarns career - no mean feat when you consider his accolades. With 'Gorillaz' and 'Demon Days' Albarn had really made Gorillaz - and alternative music - a brand in itself, wrapped up in a visially exciting new format: an animated band. Indeed Gorillaz encapsulated an era of my life for 2005 and 2006, their music providing the background score to the goings on in my life. Listenning to the other tracks on Demon Days (the non released singles) just brings you right back to a bygone period.

So when Plastic Beach was released in 2010, there was great excitment - as well as great expectations, expectations which would unfortunatley hamper the album in the long run.

Obviously it's a lot more rewarding when an album seels a lot and all the radio singles a played on air frequently, but it's not the test of a great album; afterall, does anyone really ever hear any Radiohead songs on the radio?  Plastic Beach however hasn't had any, the reason is because listenning to the four singles from the album, none of them are exactly 'commercial'.

Lead single 'Stylo' is a classic example. Listen to the lead singles of Gorillaz and Demon Days and they have a bit of marketability to them. Stylo, however, does not. Upon first listenning it can only be described as 'boring as all shit' and 'why the fuck would they release this as the LEAD single'. As with all good worls of art, Stylo improves with each listenning. Eventually you can hear asll the little build ups and appreciate Bobby Womacks crashing chorus. Suddenly Stylo, despite being unlike anything you've really heard is really loved - but unfortunatley, commericial radio doesn't afford this kind of continuous play. After a week it was off the charts and the main weapon of Plastic Beach had been disarmed. Essentially the people who buy the album are the fans.

The album is for all intents and purposes a sequal to Demon Days. Whereas the first album relied on hip hop and acoustic moments, Demon Days and Plastic Beach are very synthesised albums, which is fine, but Plastic Beach, like any sequal, is not quite as good as the original. In fact, just at a time when we're crying out for more acoustic songs, Gorillaz deliver there most manufactured album yet.

Of course it's not all bad news, some of the songs on gere are excellent, but as a whole it's simular the Blur's 'The Great Escape" album. The Great Escape was in itself a slightly clever Britpop-gone-mad album that was pretty good. All the singles were good and successful, as was the material on the album... but up against a true classic in Oasis' "(What's the story)? Morning Glory" album, it left a bit to be desired.

As with the case with The Great Escape, so the same can be said about 'Plastic Beach'. It's decent without going past (or indeed meeting) expectations. Bsically it's a decent album without being classed as 'good'

6.5/10

Orchestral Intro: A weird starting point, whereas Demon Days started with the ominous and excellent (and a bit scary) 'Intro'. this is just a piece of crap music that would be skipped everytime. Completley pointless.

Welcome To The World Of The Plastic Beach 6/10.  Actually this song isn't as bad as it sounds the first time you heard it on Triple J radio. A few listenning the overwhelming synth (which kind of drowns out snoop dog) is kind of fun to listen to. Snoop Dogs rap is 'ok' but hardly expectional. It's an alright song I guess... but not really one that should get too much revisting.

White Flag 2/10  Good god, how does flutes and an odd drumbeat mix with rap? Doesn't gel at all despite the best effort from the rappers. Never gets played all the way through.

Rhinstone Eyes 7/10 The first good song on the album isn't quite a fully fleshed out single, and featured Albarn performing a borderline rap, but it does contain some of his best ever lyrics, and the musical chorus is catchy and pretty cool

Stylo 7/10  Once this song grows on you it becomes pretty attictive. Fun to sing along with Albarn and even more fun to yell at the top of your lungs when Bobby Womack burst into the chorus.

Superfast Jellyfish 7.5 Admittedly this piece of candy pop is very sugary, but contains the best chorus line on the album as well as the best rap. Only complaint is it should probably go on a bit longer and good have done with a few extra little bits of music.

Empire Ants 7/10 I have tyo give this a 7 because Albarn pines beautifully and it featires the only big 'come in' on the Album. Just when you think the songs completly slow, it just hits you hard.

Glitter Freeze 5.5/10  The closest the album gets to punk rock. It's average - bit repetitive.

Some Kind Of Nature 7/10  Not a bad little number with Lou Reed actually just talking his lines. Nice chorus line.

On Melancholy Hill 6.5/10  My best friend thinks this is the standout track from the album, but my mind hasnt changed since the first time I heard it. It's pretty sugary and the music is pretty safe and predicatable. A typically 'safe' choice as second single. Its decent.

Broken 8/10 The most haunting track on Plastic Beach demonstraites Albarns musical knowledge. Backed by a rap style beat, it's a must-listen

Sweepstakes 1/10 Easily the worst song on the album. No chorus, shithouse music, a pointless song.

Plastic Beach 8/10 Albarn having fun. My favoutite track. It's all bleeps and lovely singing, with a pretty interestingly played out chorus. Superb.

The rest of the songs are rated at a 4/10 and I couldn't be bothered reviwing them. The album should have ended with title track.

So while plastic beach is a decent album, it never reaches the heights or could define an era like Demon Days could. Indeed it's lack of mass commercial acceptance is indicative of the albums musical output. Basically, it's non essential, bar a few songs. Albarn would be rueing a missed oppurtunity to turn Gorillaz into the superstar band they should have been. As a result, Gorillaz is a good band rather than a great band.

The Last Temptation Of Sarah

That is an article I wrote for myself a few years ago. Im republishing it now at this particular moment in time to remind myself that I have had these feelings before and will go through them again. The important thing is that I have the ability to move on with my life. I realise I don't love Sarah anymore. We talk occasionally, but its the complete past to me now. Ive been in true love only twice - and it is this second one which is invading my dreams and I need to Im post this to help me get through the current environment that I find myself in.

And anyone who knows me, knows I have never had a relationship with a 'Sarah'. The name of the subject has been changed.

When it's over it's over right?

What is it about a human being that constantly wants to believe that there's still a chance? Perhaps it's because there is.... it's just people forget that 0.000001% is the equivilent of 'not happening at all'. It's the same chance that there's a miniscule possibility that the sun won't rise in the morning. It's completley clutching at straws.

During the final week of January when Sarah gave me an unexpected message, I re-discovered my hope again. In the weeks previous I had confirmed that we would never get back together again. I was ready and willing (a bit begrudgingly actually) to move on with my life. Imagine my supreme surprise when Sarah out of the blue was asking me how I was and seemed to show genuine interest.
This in itself is a bit misleading - talk about your fools paradise - Sarah was not showing anymore interest in me than someone being polite asking about how your day was. In effect, this was the brain amplifying things to grand proportions on very little evidence. However, for the time, it SEEMED real, and due to hope, seemed to be the answer I had been so desperatley wanting.
Sarah mentioned something about 'How would you like to be financially free' and didn't elaborate. Curiousity is in my blood, but with Sarah being so tight-lipped, so another cog in the chain continued. Now there was nothing else to do but agree to a meeting and see what this mysterious thing was. I ask will it be just us?  The reply is that female friend will be there too.
And so begins a fateful chain reaction to dissapointment. The 'unknown factor' drove me to believe it could be a cheque for a million dollars, or, more hopefully, a chance at a reunion. Immediatley you'd probably say to me I was just doing wishful thinking. But that of course is what makes us all human. It's just I set the hope bar too high.

I fell for Sarah in mid 2009. We had broken up earlier that year and were not dating at the time I fell in love, (note: this wasn't true love) but we were still having what is called a 'casual relationship'. The significance of this person grew and grew. A wonderful happy character that was both amusing and sexy. Probably most memorable was Sarah's ability to turn any boring old night into something atmospheric and memorable. Perhaps this article is written a little too scientifically to appreciate someone like Sarah. Suffice to say I love Sarah more than I love my life before - pre 2009. The hurt that I've felt since then has been a heavy burden that has often got me thinking of suicide. Not trying to be too morbid, just expressing a feeling for someone that I love with a passion and knowing I'll never be with them.

So we decide on a Sunday evening pick up. I cancel all my arrangments. I even cut short a chance meeting with a possible love interest to see Sarah this night. I shower and try to look my best. Sarah definatley still finds me attractive.  Ten minutes late picking me up, but what do I care? I gleefully get in the car with a massive smile on my face - the friend is not present. Sarah blonde hair and kind nature overwhelm me. I'm just so happy to be sitting there. I really do feel so in love. At once it seems my life is significant again. Like it was in the glory days. Alas, all too breif my friends. This car ride is the only magical thing about my story. It is the ending of a once great era.
Sarah has to stop at the Lakes McDonalds, so it's a bit odd the drive goes to the Willows McDonalds. Mishap in words obviously. Presumably, hungry and wants to have a chat and talk. Really this is the last time my mind is in 50/50. It is still looking good for being just a getting back together thing. It's still possible that it could turn out to be nothing, but since the car ride spoke nothing of this 'thing' we were doing tonight, it's presumed by me that it'll work in my favour. Well you already know what happens next.
Sarah doesn't walk towards to counter, instead walks towards the back. I remember my guts turning. There sitting at the back was the female friend - like Sarah had said all along - and she's sitting there in a business-like suit looking prepared for some sort of lecture on how to make money. Indeed, my intuition had told me this would happen. Hope. Fucken hope. What a crock of shit it is ay?

I sit down trying not to think of this dissapointment that is slowly but surely taking over me. It starts off well because I act all professional, but soon, very soon, my face can no longer look up at the lady or Sarah. And then it hits... and she even mentions that it looks a bit like this too.

A pyrimid scheme

Instantly I know there was nothing more in Sarah's intentions and the rest of what happened with the lady at McDonalds is irrelevent. She leaves and Sarah asks if I'm ok. I am very VERY much not ok. Im ok in that I am healthy, but my mind is sick. It is very ill. I want to cry. I ask if we should have something to eat. For some reason I feel optimistic that there might be more to this now that she is gone.
So we order, and again I feel a bit comfortable if wary. We get our food and I started looking for somewhere to sit.

'Do you mind if we eat this in the car?' And with those words, Sarah concluded the night as far as I am concerned.

The drive home was painful and I no longer attempted conversation. There is no doubt Sarah had good intentions with that night. It's all my fault that I assumed that awe would happen. I am to blame.
As I departed the car I saw Sarah checking the phone. )-: On the background was a sweet picture of Sarah and the boyfriend.

There is no doubt I will see Sarah and have a chat again. We'll definatley catch up and it will always be a pleasure seeing this one of a kind person. Nowadays though I'm heading boldly if a little unwillingly into a new era. Unfortunatley there is no 'great' love in sight. Without this, happiness will be alluded for a least a while.
There has been significant mourning in the days since the breakdown of the Sean/Sarah relationship, and no doubt this will continue in some form for the rest of my life. I'll always be fond of our magical, atmospheric, beautiful time we shared together. I'll always love Sarah.

My life is just that little bit poorer for Sarah not being in it.

What A Fool Believes

It was Ty Davis and me versus the world in Year 8. The long-term friendship of Jarvis Semmens had broken down after many years and there was revolution in the air. The beautiful sensation of masturbation had just been discovered and the real Sean Keenan was burgeoning from the ashes of early puberty. It didn't matter one iota that Davis was as intellectual as an episode of Mrs Browns Boys. He was in the right place at the right time and he embodied the summer of 98, which lead to the greatest year of all, 1999.

Come 2001 and it was the old Milne-meister who replaced a slew of generally mediocre friends. Davis was on the wane and I was entering into adulthood. From Davis to Milne, it was now us two against the world. As long as I had that someone, I was fine.
Fast forward 14 years and the rut I found myself in 2009 has elongated itself, through different versions of itself into todays uncertain climate. The shit that was heaped on me then never really dissipated despite several breakthrough moments. In 2011 I settled into middle age seemingly and this grew into nightmare proportions that bit me on the arse several distinct times since then.

Every now and again theres a snap that harkens back to 2008 or even 2005 and I remember the confident eccentric individual who was so bright eyed about the future and didn't care for the shit associated with life. I know more now but it hasn't helped my happiness much. I wouldn't turn back the clock however. Its perhaps time to stop overthinking, get back to basics and just be me.
Me. I remember that person. Sometimes I capture a glimpse of him when I look at old pictures or read my old writings. Im used to this bored, on-edge guy who is always lost within the pantheon that is his mind. Its no longer me and someone against the world. Its just me.

For someone who bases his own self in deep thought it might be a bit ironic that my saving grace might be my ability to stop thinking. I once said not giving a shit is the most powerful state in the world because no one can hurt you if you don't care about a situation. Life has, regardless of what I think or do, continued on its merry way. You either accept it or you don't. And if you don't you'll be swimming against the tide - for no reward.

There comes a time when one must truly look in at themselves, accept the problems and deal with them - and always, ALWAYS be conscious that they're there. Loosen up. You're still you Sean. No one can take that away. Few people may care much for my plight, but then, they're not the person living inside my head. I have to deal with this guy 24/7.

There'll probably never be another 2003 again. Nor will there be that awesome excited new feeling at a new era dawning, Im too much of a veteran for that. But I might be surprised at what IS actually out there...if I allow myself to stop fucking caring. To just do. Its time to stop the delusion and accept this shit for what it is. Its not half bad. You wouldn't love life so much if it weren't already pretty good.

You need to stop narrating your life and start living it in the first person again.

Let it go, Sean. Let it go.

Late Night Logic For The Over Thinking Mind

Life is not easy for the over-thinker. He sits in his high chair with his inflated ego slowly convincing himself away that his ideas and concepts are correct. He is the master of his craft. The concept is simple enough, just let the thoughts flow and then weigh up the probabilities. $1.75 on yes and $2.35 on no. Bizarre concepts are moulded into a believable possible outcome by going through the ideas meticulously. The fatal flaw of this train of thought is that the underdog sometimes wins and then theres the realisation that life itself is inherently unpredictable.

There is also the problem that the over-thinker is a realist in the truest sense. He is usually relatively intelligent and understands that he has to test his theory and have evidence on which to base his assumptions. This requires additional thinking.

Peace. Hush. Chill. You do not have all the answers over-thinker. In this lifetime you never will. Stop worrying. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. (Be sure to wear sunscreen!)

Stop thinking over-thinker. Just 'do'.

Just 'do'.

It may be time I grew up and faced reality.

There are so many beautiful woman around. Slowly Im becoming numb to it. In late 2004 I went on a bit of a splurge asking some girls if they wanted to hang out with me and was rejected on all counts. Here I sit over a decade later and although there have been many people come and go in that time, I remain as inactive relationship-wise as ever. Is it really that much to ask that I don't want to be single all my life? That I want to settle down and live the dream of love and happiness? To have someone support me and I support them?
The only person Ive loved in that decade lives in Brisbane. I go through bouts of strong optimism and then to realism. This is one of those journeys that has hope but is constantly at the odds. Im doing more now than I have in months, but this feeling of loneliness never ceases. All I yearn for is that company. To be romantic. To be playful. To be crazy. I value myself but no one is watching. No one is there to share it with. Brodie helps, but its not enough. He leaves and Im feeling better but its still the same scenario. Im not like Yoko Ono - I am not the type who can be sexless and just get by with friends. Im only 29 and want to experience love. It has been 2 years since Ive last been intimate with anyone. I understand my frustrations now.
What are my options? Suck it up. No other choice available. I want the next person I have sex with to be her. I will make our time together magical - but Im doubting Ill get the opportunity. I don't feel Im appreciated enough. Ive come to realise Im not that special. This isn't a bad realisation. On the contrary, it keeps me striving to improve and gives me some confidence with a 'stuff it' attitude to be who I want to be and do what I want. But at the end of the day, as I sit here, what does it all mean? I feel I'd almost rather conform and have some friends than face this reality.

Things are going good. Im back into exercising and Tae Kwon Do. Im a better worker at Woolies and I love planning what to write next and choose how to spend my days. The one glaring omission to this is that feeling of love. Unfortunately it rears its ugly head at times when Im too weak to combat it. Like now. So Im writing about it.

I have to accept that if this is it then that is ok. The world is simply stunning. I like to get stoned and lay on my driveway looking up at the stars thinking about what wonders this place we call earth has. Im such a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things that it really doesn't matter one way or the other if my wants don't come to fruition. No, what is important is that I lead the most fulfilling life that I can. To do the best I can while I can. Appreciate the unknown, the mysterious. I love life so much and I'm a hedonist at heart. That is why my heart feels so heavy that I have no one to share it with. That magical feeling you get when you meet just the right person (which happens so incredibly rarely) and the memories it creates.

As I get older Im becoming more realistic about things but also becoming more daring. I just have to hang in there. Do everything to stay sane. Hope. Hope away. Hope that this will take me on a beautiful journey. I can feel Im close. Theres so much doubt though. I have such a sad past. Ignoring it is difficult, especially on nights I feel like this. But tomorrow is a new day. And I will keep persisting until I am dead. Because Im Sean Fucking Keenan.

Trust in life a little bit. Believe in the story.

I love you

To Broken Hill, Thanks For Everything, Love Sean

Dear Broken Hill

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about you a lot lately. We haven't seen one another in six years and my feelings for you have been overwhelming at times. The first time I wanted to be with you again was a year after we separated. I remember I was playing 'electric feel' in my living room and thinking of our magical last months together in 2008. Since then I've had a few low points where I've wanted to get back together, most recently in February.

I'm writing this to you because I have have a confession to make.

You shaped me. I didn't appreciate who you were until I was about 17 or 18, but from then until we parted ways I want you to know that I loved you. You became a part of me. I was able to catch some of Outback ER on the ABC recently. Man, it's good to see you're doing well and looking after yourself. I'm glad you haven't changed, you're beautiful just the way you are.

I had a dream last night where I was working back at NES Complete Home. Usually dreams where I am back with you are happy, but this one had a melancholy feel to it. The town I'm seeing now, Townsville, has taken a lot of effort to make the relationship work. 2009 was my worst ever year and every year since, 2013 aside, hasn't been overly memorable. My subconscious has had a lot of trouble letting you go. I miss wearing jackets in the winter time, I miss Shane Nankivell, I miss your eccentricities, I miss the atmosphere you create - I miss my parents.

I was young when we split up and it's taken me a long time to grow comfortable with who I am. At times I've been paralysed with fear about my future and the type of person I've become. I became very depressed this year and Mum called me up suggesting, maybe I should come home. I rejected the idea outright - I'm with Townsville now - but it did make me think about things. I never knew why I rejected the idea outright until last night.

I love Townsville and I love my life. Im growing into exactly the person I want to be. The journey has been rough emotionally, but isn't that how life is? Brodie and I have this self depreciating humour that I admire but I didn't realise how much I put myself down until recently. I'm incredibly harsh on myself. This past week has been one of the most profound of my life. I am in love with someone who I cannot be with so my brain has gone into activation mode. I changed my life this week. I discovered the love within. I love me. I love who I am. I love my stupid little ways. The way I awkwardly try to impress people. The way rebel against the norm. The way I do things unconventionally. My stupid sense of humour. My pretentiously big words I write for someone who claims to be unpretentious. I've realised I don't need anyone except myself. Ive been told that before, I only truly understood that statement in the past week.

I'm going on, and I'm prepared to go it alone. I completely cleaned my house yesterday. From top to bottom and threw out all the old junk that was irrelevant to my current life now. I found a lot of stuff from our days together. I threw most of it out but I kept the occasional memento, such is your meaning to me. I want you to know that I love you and I always will. You will always be part of my make up.

Take care,

Sean

PS: I'm coming back for a visit in July, hope we can hang out for karaoke at the 'cross'!