The verdict is in 3 years after Kelsey and I broke up. I know these kinds of thoughts should be left in the past, but this is how I am. This is who I am. The decision is in: I should have stayed with her.

Zoe Melksham will go down in my history as an enormous learning curb. Sucking so much from me and never giving anything back, dragging me along. With her second strike out, there will be no strike 3. That mess of a human being has been perminantley left out to dry. I have nothing to say to that piece of shit. Suddenly I feel empty. Theres a void. Why am I feeling anxiety on my 3 day weekend? Is it because perhaps now Im alone? I am hurt. I put so much hope into that and got nothing. So many times over the year just thrown on the ground. I won't recover fully from that. Everytime I feel hope for something, Ill be reminded of her and 2015.

Im alone. Ive accepted the inevitable truth. Allison and Lana. Two girls who finally perk my interest. Its the first time in a long time, around 3 years. Fuck. That is a ridiculously long fucking time. Why is getting pussy so hard? Fuck I'm so over wanking. Im in love with Lana. Unique in every way and just so my cup of tea. Everythng about her beautiful soul makes me ache to touch her. To hug her and cuddle into the night with her. And, of course she has a boyfriend...had one for 2 years. Im not going down that road again. A wonderful first genuine conversation on thursday led me to believe, that yes, there was something. Despite my knowledge, I was in a state of praying hope. If she messages me tonight, Ill know its a sign - even if its by sunday night...

Oh...its sunday night. She's posted a few things since then. Oh. She's been online a lot... ahh, ok. Not looking so good now... Maybe I could... Fuck man! Give it up! You're finished.

Too bad Allison talks like a teen. A mature teen, but still. Theres no flow in her talks. For someone who's interested in me, she sure hides it well. Fucken girls. They have it so fucking easy, just waiting there for the guys to make all the moves. Fuck its hard. Blah blah blah for 6 word replies. The conversation is dying. I haven't had pussy in 2 years. The idea of burying my head into her still-on knickers sends me into a spin and I cum over pictures. Lets be honest, thats never going to happen. Actually, Ill go one step further, I honestly don't believe Ill ever have sex again. Its just...too hard. They don't want it. They don't want me. I suddenly look in the mirror and see through my delusion. I have a few streches of several years without fucking. Accept it Sean. This is it. This is who you fucking are. You are NOT special. Your whimsical sense of happiness isn't going to get you through this anymore.

Oh, now I understand the anxiety.

Man, is this seriously what its become? Lana is perfect. Allison isn't, but available if you want to do all the talking and all the move making. Its too fucking much. So here I sit pulling my doodle for the umpteenth time over Zoe's knickers pics. I am really fucking lonely. I am...fucked.

I love the weird and avant grade. Too bad no one else does. A gif that took me literally all day making got zero likes today. Its not so much the face value of that, rather, its a sign that I truly am alone. At the age of 30.5 Im single, without friends, no motivation, no sex, obscure sense of humor...

I try to remind myself how good i have it. But what is happening to me is what would happen to anyone.

Theres no I'm gunna kill myself bullshit anymore. Theres just an acceptance. This is it. This is my life. I could of been cumming in sweet sweet pussy if I had some sense and stayed with Kelsey. I put in the hard years with her only to pull out and chase after a complete psycho cunt who ruined my mental state, right as Kelsey was changing into the girl I would have wanted.

Sucked in. My lifes always been like that. I don't suffer depression. I suffer from anxiety. Life isn't special, its not really bad for me. Its not horrible. Its just as it is. Ill die one day and all of this shit will  be meaningless. Im meaningless. The face bookers who never like or comment on my things just sink that point home for me. Particularly today.

Meaningless. I miss my home. I dunno what I want. Im completely lost. What happened to me?