World Count: 848

Or: How I found my mojo while it was hitch-hiking on the side of a busy highway

As I sit on Debbie's back varandah sipping on my tea and indulging in some homemade pizza, my mind sends a shockwave right through my body. My eyes fixate from her mouth to her eyes as she shares with me her story about this lad she had met at the Woodford Folk festival the previous year. I had arrived at her house the day he'd moved out - a residence that had been his home for the previous month. And what a month it was. Sometimes there are these unique characters who wonder into our life at just the right time and just ooze a form of charisma and charm. They're not show ponies, rather, they're legitimately awesome people who are as kind and gentle as they are eccentric. It's as if their whole existence is this one big movie and they are the mesmerising star. This guy had spent a week straight playing music loud into the morning hours and there were bonfires to spare. He'd moved furniture, he'd star gazed and he brought a sense of wonder into her life - why couldn't I be as awesome as that? (hint: there's no reason why I cannot be)

And thats where it begins to get really interesting. Debbie shows me a white plastic board in which he drew a map of his homeward bound plight; A two and a half thousand kilometre adventure down to Melbourne where a family member resides. I look at the drawing in awe:

He actually took the time to just doodle that down, and now it remains as a parting gift. As a reminder. A form of tombstone for that amazing experience that was the past month. An analogy I like to use about my attitude to relationships is how I first began thinking about them. Admittedly I was only young at the time, but it does help me conceptualise the evolution of it. My attitude then was that if two people found each other 'good looking' then you can work around any personality issue. Paramount was their looks. From that undignified start I now have a diploma in how to handle my lifes relationships, not a degree mind you, but it's a start.

As Debbie talks the realisation hits me. I see how I have been going about this all the wrong way - and most importantly - how I have been going wrong. If you paid attention to detail in that picture you'll see that up the top he's written 'start a fresh at 30!!' and I tell Deb that although Im very scientifically minded, I can't ignore the growing sense that the nature of reality is a living breathing organism and that it's putting up signposts to guide our lives. Why do I say this? Friday night I was heading into Woolworths to get dinner when I noticed a striking face at the counter. Wow, isn't that Debbie from Facebook? We had never met in person but I had admired her bohemian lifestyle from a distance from her occasional Facebook posts. This is the type of person I'd like to have a conversation with I decide. I act on this instinct to contact her when I arrive back home. Whats the worse that can happen? Worst case scenario is she says nah and the best case scenario is you might have an awesome  experience. Then theres the fact that, like her friend, I turn thirty in July. Is this life telling me something? Here is the door and here is the key. The door may look enormous, but in the end it is opened by a tiny key.

I look inwards and see exactly where I am at in life. I see how I could be viewing all this in a completely different way. And when all the bullshit is cast aside, I see this beautiful person within. Holy shit, I thought you were dead mate. He is ill-nourished but still alive and still feels the craving of life. Those subliminal signs life gave me led me to these conclusions. Life brought me here to this.

Earlier in the day I had met up with an old friend and he gave me some potent advice too. It was an insightful day really. Where I go from here is my path and it will always have ups and downs. That's as certain as death and taxes.  But now I see it for what it is. Its a journey. I write this article to remind myself of those profound moments where you see the big picture and all of reality in its overwhelming beauty. I am packing my bags and leaving my monkey named miserable behind. He's a cheeky fellow, you know, follows you around, constantly at your heels. But I am stronger than him. And I have much more willpower. Life is only as good as the lens that you see it through... and I am in the process of cleaning.

Lay Down All Thoughts, Surrender To The Void

By Sean Keenan

I am slowly coming out of the worst nightmare Ive enjoyed in years. What wakes me up is the feeling of some ghostly figure laying down next to me in bed. Im gripped with fear. I start moaning a howl as the spit in my mouth begins to pour out my mouth and onto my pillow. Sleep paralysis prevents me from slinging my arm around to bash the precence which resides next to me. Eventually I'm in control of my body. The smell of saliva is rampant and I cannot get the vivid dream out of my head. It was an unexpected horror movie with the twist ending catching me off guard. How could the protagonist, a mixture between me experiencing it in the first and third person be so tricked? How the fuck could my mind conjour up something so horrific?

I can fathom a guess. I look around myself and my precarious situation - a situation of uncertainty and dread and I see where the nightmare was bred from. Although I don't treat my own brain with the respect it deserves, it neither cares nor sympathises with my idea of it. It produces - in realistic graphic horror - the true nature of what its capable of. Im merely the person residing inside of it. I am Sean's raging sense of disbelief. How did this happen? Again, I can fathom a guess. This is a wake up call. All the knowledge I have acquired is sitting there in a dormant room within the recesses of my mind. This raw emotion within is unleashed in the most graphic way possible.
I must accept - truly accept I have finite albeit important control over the events that occur next. I want to talk to her, tell her everything, tell her how heavy my heart is. Yet the same knowledge that lead me here - the little I actually do take notice of - holds me back. Tells me to chill. Tells me you'll just dig yourself in a bigger hole. I take this advice and live with it, sink or swim.

So what is there left to do? There is only one option and I keep fighting it. I fight it because I loathe anything, including the nature of reality, telling me what to do. Fuck you I say. Fuck you and you're annoying ideas. And yet there is nothing listening. Nothing getting offended by my remarks. Nothing getting offended by my anger. I want to cry. I look around at my filthy room and think, whatever this is, it isn't happiness. I struggle by myself. I dont value myself enough. What am I doing to myself?  There is only one option. I know what it is in my heart of hearts but its not as simple as just doing it - years of neglect are difficult to break. So here I sit, in purgatory. For now, it's about letting things sink in and realising that a revolt lingers in the near future.

The revolution will not be televised.